Wednesday, November 2, 2011

He is for me.....

When I look back at my last post in September, it was as if the Lord was preparing me...and I did not have a clue. All I knew was in the 30 days I knew one of my sweet boys life lay in the balance was.....
He Loves me
He is for me
His plans for me are good
His plans are to prosper me
His Love is everlasting
He is constant
He is faithful
He is true
That was all I knew and that was all I needed to know.
I held on to these promises for 30 days with all my heart. I was in the secret place of the Most High God. I did not want to be anywhere else in the world.

I knew on thing. I loved my babies in my womb. I knew God had a plan. I knew He was holding not only my sweet identical twin boys but me in the palm of His hand. It was no surprise to Him that one of them was falling behind in growth. It was no surprise to Him that on Tuesday, October 11 at 8:46am a Dr. would tell me, " I am sorry they are gone". He knew that at that moment that I would respond with broken heart...... " I wanted these babies with all my heart, But I choose Jesus, I know He loves me and His ways higher". He knew that my husband and I would weep all the way home and for days to come. He knew that 8 hours later I would give birth to two PERFECTLY formed angels that would literally take my breath away and change my life forever in the most amazing ways . He knew that the birth of John Wilson and David Casswell would shake the earth and hearing of their passing into eternity and the supernatural faith God had given their mama and daddy would bring people closer to Jesus. For that I could endure the heartbreak.
I have always said, do anything to me, but don't touch my babies (all four of them). Its too sacred to think of something happening to one of them, much less two of them.
Have Mercy Sweet Jesus.
You are too good.
Those things I never thought I could have survive.
We are surviving and really not just surviving, but being high and lifted up by His sweet spirit. Intimacy with Jesus is what I have longed for since I was a little girl. I have loved Him with all my heart, I have dissapointed Him too many times to count. But, I have always known that I was loved by Him. I have always felt His favor and known his favor. I have always wondered about that verse, "Praise Him in all things"......Could I really do it? Could I really really really praise Him.
He is that good.
How can you loose the two most precious gifts that you have ever been given and not fall apart at the seams when they are taken from you?
Not really taken, actually that favor I just spoke of.....
Jonathan and I were CHOSEN to be the parents of these sweet babies.
I was CHOSEN to be their mommy to carry them .
A treasure I will hold onto forever.
I am (for now) Caroline Sophia, Caldwell MaGee, John Wilson and David Casswell's mommy

Can you believe the how wealthy I am?
Two on earth and two in heaven living a life I could never give them.
The pain is intense. Giving up the dream of saying the names John Wilson and Cass everyday and calling them the twin towers on the basketball court, watching them grow tall like their mommy and daddy, watching them play with their big sister, watching them do so many things we had already dreamed about.
But God.
Peace like a river and mercy everlasting....
I am at peace. There are no whys?
How could there be?
He is too good. His promises and redemption too full.
None of us, no not one will live this life without suffering.
No need to be fearful. Its just the truth.
The ONLY thing you need to know when the pain and suffering and comes is....
Jesus is EVERYTHING He says He is and so much more.
I could go on and on......He is EVERYTHING.....
Life without Him. Not worth it.
I am speaking from a deep place. A place I have actually begged God for for many many years. I never imagined a loss of this magnitude would bring me here. As much as I wanted my sweet boys. I know. I just know. His plans and His ways Higher.

There is one very special word that a very very special girlfriend gave me during this time.
She wrote me and reminded me of the woman in Luke 7 who laid at Jesus feet and cried all over His feet, wiped His feet with her hair, poured perfume on Him. The Pharassies questioned Him. But, Jesus...He saw...He saw her heart. She had given Him everything.
Jonathan and I have given Him everything. Not JUST our sweet boys. But EVERY part of our life. You don't weather pain like this without seeing that you are utterly lost without Him. That if you don't have Him you will die.

Its a new day. A day I welcome.
Tears of worship to a Savior who gave me 20 gorgeous weeks and 4 days that I would NEVER take back. Two beautiful little baby boys that I held and loved and will keep loving.

Five days before I delivered my angels I heard that Kari Jobe was in my town.....I love her. She is a incredibly annointed worship leader. I knew I was supposed to be there. I was tired. My body was struggling. I have been on partial bedrest. I saved up my energy. I went alone and God provided so much that night. I know all her music my memory. I love all her songs. But, there is one song that struck me to the core in a way it never had before. I was a crying mess, I mean the embarrassing kind but I really did't care God had just given me His word through song and I KNEW IT WAS FOR I recieved it......
The lyrics go like this.....

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all you do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me
I know that you are for me
I know that you will never
Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that you have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who you are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all you do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
And you love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me.......

This were also the words I heard on my pandora ihone when the nurse handed me two beautiful baby boys.........
I know that you are for me Jesus.
Thank you for being for me.
To you be all glory, honor and power.......
You are alone are GREATLY to be praised.

To all my sweet readers and friends....Just so you are reminded.....

But, as for me I will ALWAYS have HOPE; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Psalm 71:16-16