Pearl Event......The Double Strand....COMING SOON!!!

Girls do you like my new redone blog page? FINALLY I got around to getting rid of that old cupcake header and get a cleaner, fresher look! Thanks to some pressing sisters who gave me a super hard time about it :) you know who you are......

I turned 32 two days ago! What in the word? Seriously!!! When did I grow up? I mean there are still days when I wonder if people know that I still feel way to young to have children and a husband to take care of it. But, really I have been super excited about being in my 30's. Its seems to me women in their 30's start to really come into their own.

I pray that all the miraculous things God did last year, this year would be another amazing year of living in MERCY and GRACE.

SO....I'm like over the moon excited about THE PEARL EVENT in NASHVILLE, TN coming very very soon. I am beyond honored to be among such precious sisters and might I add AMAZING bloggers.

There are some tickets left, so if you want to be there!! GET YOUR TICKET GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!

I love you all!!!!!!!!

Sweeps of Mercy.....

Am I just crazy to say that this was by far the most amazing holiday I have ever had? Now, let me start by confessing that there were tears, lots of tears.....tears with thoughts of what I would be doing had I been 32 weeks pregnant with twin boys . Its been a hard long year on many fronts. Not, just the loss of our babies, there have been other things. Things that rock you to the core. But, ever then HE has been there. There in the dark, there in the moments when your not sure what to do next. There when you think you have just made too many mistakes and sinned too much to ever be forgiven. He does...He takes it all and I have found that not only does He take it all, He is mindful of our heart, mindful of how we are doing day to day hour to hour. I know because after the kids opened their gifts and my man was laying around watching Christmas Vacation for the one thousandth time. I was alone in my room on a heap of pillows crying my eyes out. We had had the perfect morning....what else could you want than a crackling fire, two big brown eyed babies coming down the stairs checking out the cookie plate they left for Santa only to see the pile under the tree?...oh then the shrills of delight when you see your little ones light up when they "finally" got the American doll she had been wanting for so long. There is just not much to be sad about. But, I was sad. Very sad. I was thinking about how much I wanted those babies, how much I was hoping I would have been cleaning up the infant carrier preparing to deliver them instead of cleaning the loads of dishes. But, then even through the tears in my white fluffy bed I hear Him, I felt Him. It was if I was being scooped up once again into the lap of my Abba Father,the only man who could really meet all my needs and He did not need a full stocking to prove it. At that moment He met me, He showed me once again as He always does that He is true to His word. I loved it. I stood by it in those moments. I continued to choose His oil of joy instead of mourning. I remembered that He is still for Me. I can look back at this year and say, as hard as it has been that there has never been a year with more fruit in my life. I owe Him all glory and honor for that one. I could have NEVER been apart of such life giving, grace enjoying moments without Him.

Friends, your are reading a woman who will never ever ever ever be the same again. Eternity seems so much closer to me this year, life seem so much more fragile, my earthly babies seem more important to me than ever before (they are the ONLY things I get to take to heaven, better make it count). Its a year that will go down in history one I hope I won't forget. Although 2012 is here I am still living in the absolute grace of Jesus. I am still being carried, I am still human and wreck my own life sometimes and always will. But, then again I would not need Him if I could do it all by myself. There has never been a day when I need more grace, more of His power evident in my life. I am thrilled to be on this journey. I am thankful He choose me to be the mommy to two babies that I will not hold on January 20th. He knew, He knew He would carry me, He knew I would make His name renown with all my heart. He knew I would not shake my fist at Him. He knew that I have always had a pure heart and would love Him no matter what. I can tell you just as His word says that the pure in heart do see God. I have seen Him more than ever these past few days and weeks and I want more.

More of His goodness....

More of His power....

More of His grace....

More of His love...

More of His forgiveness...

More of His redemption...

Just all I can get and more.

I don't deserve it, but He loves me and He loves YOU too...

I don't understand the depth of that love but, I'll take it, do you want to join me?...

2012 will be a year that goes down in the books, I just know it. After His goodness to me this year and maybe you too what possibly could be next? Good or bad He has us in the palm of His hands.

This year I choose His power. No small living, gossip feeding, insecure living for me....only large territory, authentic relationships and genuine living for will do!

Until we get a glimpse of the Almighty's face, for which I can not wait...we must live loud, full and deep. I am asking God to get me out of my comfort zone in relationships, asking Him to let me be more of Jesus to those who needs His grace. I had a friend tell me the other day that she was having an issue with a friend that had no filter, she said God spoke to her and said, "you have no grace filter". I loved that.

Let's be REAL this year, lets quite worrying about what others think and pray for someone even if in public when you know you are supposed to. Lets ask someone for forgiveness or investigate a friendship that seems to have been lost or off track. Lets be mindful of those that may be hurting, take the extra time to send a card, make a meal or call just to check in. Lord knows I have had my fair share this year from so many that love me and have a "call back, thank you writing list" a mile long I am still working on (hence why I did not have time to do a Christmas Card this year) That was huge to me. I always delighted in showing my beautiful family off every single year. This season you may not have gotten a card. You just got me in all my rawness. A woman whose pain of loosing two babies and watching the hand of God sweep mercy all over her beautiful family is what you got this year.

A GIFT I WOULD TAKE ANY DAY OVER A CARD THAT ENDS UP BEING COMPARED TO OTHERS THEN IN THE GARBAGE JANUARY 1.

Seventeen days after I had my babies my friend Jenny asked me if I wanted to get out of the house for a bit, it was my first day out in public since my loss. Jenny was pregnant with her third baby was so gentle with me. It was so wonderful to get out, be with a good girl who loves her babies, loves to decorate like you do and just be normal. I had been in the depths. I needed this day. We started off at a place that sells neat Christmas ornaments, I found some that stopped me in my tracks and caused tears to well in eyes, they were in the shape of crosses and they had one word names on them they said:

SAVIOR

COMFORTER

REDEEMER

LORD

HEALER

I bought one of each. For the first time in my life I knew what EVERY single one of those names meant. I knew it with all that was within me. It was the theme of my holiday, as I lay in a pile of pillows and cry out for His grace He once again shows me His healing....His comfort...His redemption...

I pray every day I will embrace those names....

2012 no small living for me will do. I try so hard not to judge but its always been so hard for me to understand people who are alright with the status quo. I get CRAZY and fleshly about it. We only live once. We only get one chance to make our mark. Do it. No matter what season of life you are in...if your in my season, the dish wash emptying, diaper changing endless laundry sort of season you still can, it just may look more like praying with a friend over coffee with toddlers under your feet or mobilizing efforts to help a friend get ready to get a baby from Africa. We may not be able or called to be a Beth Moore type on a stage with millions watching and listening.....but, we each have a ministry designed just for us. Pursue it, ask God to show you what yours looks like.

I want to leave you with the one single verse I have been living by, its a known one, but a ever true one for me and maybe you this year:

"I pray that our of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with His power, through His spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Saints, to grasp how wide and long and high is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled, to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus, throughout all generations, forever and ever, AMEN!"

Ephesians 3:16-21

Now for a little peak into my holiday with entailed 176 people in my house starting December 9th!! Madness and I loved it!!!!

A fun night out on the town with fun girls!

Atlanta High Tea with Santa......at this gorgeous hotel my little angel boy derailed a massive toy train....they literally called "engineering" in to fix it.....the joy...the horror....but He's my boy and His father's son....they high activity was inherited and not His fault!

The love of a man who was given to me by a God who knew exactly what I needed in a husband.

Sissy F the kissy one is for you I know how you LOVE PDA ;)

Day one of Christmas Clothes

Trimming the tree

Caroline's first race which she did amazing at....came in 3rd (the only girl to race)

fun women at a very fun Christmas party

Tis the season to be married to the amazing man!

Magical Christmas at a night time play date

nothing better than a homemade ornament from a little one

eat him up in a jon jon and cowboy boots...part his mama and part his daddy

Gingerbread Play date hosted by my babies and I

one of the many Santa's we met this year....This one was a big one!

nothing more I like than pure chaos and fun...children everywhere having a ball

Caroline's 4k class party

UGLY sweater party at our house equal SO MUCH FUN.

Cookie exchange with the girls

Bight eyes at the Polar Express train ride

the real "reason for the season"

Mr. Lonnie...our favorite bellman in Atlanta

Where has the time gone, such a little lady at her high tea with Santa.......Have I mentioned I LOVE having a little girl

A December morning in a hotel in a big city.....oh the wonder.....

J and His mini me

I love this age

a little shy of Santa....but she did mention to tell Him she wanted an American Doll!

My beautiful Niece and Nephew Sammy....

love the glow of Christmas

Christmas Eve festivities

Happy Holidays!!!!

xoxo

Choose Faith.

We say its the season to give, the season to think of others and remember those in need. I have heard so many people talking about all the charities and causes they are giving to this season. I myself as I try to teach my children that there are some kids who don't get toys and only even hope for a coat for Christmas, I have been caught in the trap to intentionally focus on those in need. Why is it we are more in tune with the needs of others during this season? I am not so sure. All I do know is that Jesus decided He would meet my needs in a huge way after the loss of my boys in October. It was just October, nothing special. Just October. Why then, do we only really think of others at Christmas when really we are called to love intentionally, give wholeheartedly during ALL seasons?

Set yourself apart. Enjoy the season, give where you are called, nothing more and nothing less. But, remember that He did not go to the cross just because it was your birthday, He went to the cross...Just because. He loved you that much. For that I will love Him always.

This season I am especially grateful for my family. I love them with all that my heart can hold. My babies on this side of heaven have just taken me up with so much joy (actually my babies in heaven bring me joy too...to be in the presence of the Most High) I almost can't contain it. My husband. Well, He is just amazing and adorable and beautiful. I am so thankful He was heaven's choice for me in a husband.

More than anything I am just in awe of the miracles that Jesus has done in my life in the last 7 weeks. I am truly walking on the most powerful amazing, freeing days I have ever lived. How is that possible? How in the world can I say that and mean it after the pain, the loss, the disappointment?

He is just that redemptive. He is just God. He is good like that.

I had a conversation with a friend tonight that reminded me that this astonishing grace and faith the Lord has so lavished on me over these last few weeks is offered to all of us. Not just me, all who choose. If you need faith this season and any season. Cry out for it, ask for it, plead for it. He will answer. I promise. Remember faith is the substance of things HOPED for the evidence of things not seen .

I am asking Jesus for faith these days. I am pleading to Him for the health of a friend of mines new born baby boy, I am asking him to bring a baby girl to a friend of mines family all the way from Africa sooner than later. I have asked Him to perform miracles of GREAT proportion in my families life. I am so thankful HE IS MY PORTION.

I have actually asked Him for the nations. That all who don't know Him would have the chance to know Him.

Choose faith. There is one who delivers. There is one who loves with no condition. There is one who longs to know us. His name is Jesus.

Choose Faith.

Because without Him we can do nothing.

Merry Christmas!!!

All my love.....

He is for me.....

When I look back at my last post in September, it was as if the Lord was preparing me...and I did not have a clue. All I knew was in the 30 days I knew one of my sweet boys life lay in the balance was.....

He Loves me

He is for me

His plans for me are good

His plans are to prosper me

His Love is everlasting

He is constant

He is faithful

He is true

That was all I knew and that was all I needed to know.

I held on to these promises for 30 days with all my heart. I was in the secret place of the Most High God. I did not want to be anywhere else in the world.

I knew on thing. I loved my babies in my womb. I knew God had a plan. I knew He was holding not only my sweet identical twin boys but me in the palm of His hand. It was no surprise to Him that one of them was falling behind in growth. It was no surprise to Him that on Tuesday, October 11 at 8:46am a Dr. would tell me, " I am sorry they are gone". He knew that at that moment that I would respond with broken heart...... " I wanted these babies with all my heart, But I choose Jesus, I know He loves me and His ways higher". He knew that my husband and I would weep all the way home and for days to come. He knew that 8 hours later I would give birth to two PERFECTLY formed angels that would literally take my breath away and change my life forever in the most amazing ways . He knew that the birth of John Wilson and David Casswell would shake the earth and hearing of their passing into eternity and the supernatural faith God had given their mama and daddy would bring people closer to Jesus. For that I could endure the heartbreak.

I have always said, do anything to me, but don't touch my babies (all four of them). Its too sacred to think of something happening to one of them, much less two of them.

Have Mercy Sweet Jesus.

You are too good.

Those things I never thought I could have survive.

We are surviving and really not just surviving, but being high and lifted up by His sweet spirit. Intimacy with Jesus is what I have longed for since I was a little girl. I have loved Him with all my heart, I have dissapointed Him too many times to count. But, I have always known that I was loved by Him. I have always felt His favor and known his favor. I have always wondered about that verse, "Praise Him in all things"......Could I really do it? Could I really really really praise Him.

Yes.

He is that good.

How can you loose the two most precious gifts that you have ever been given and not fall apart at the seams when they are taken from you?

Jesus.

Not really taken, actually that favor I just spoke of.....

Jonathan and I were CHOSEN to be the parents of these sweet babies.

I was CHOSEN to be their mommy to carry them .

A treasure I will hold onto forever.

I am (for now) Caroline Sophia, Caldwell MaGee, John Wilson and David Casswell's mommy

Can you believe the how wealthy I am?

Two on earth and two in heaven living a life I could never give them.

The pain is intense. Giving up the dream of saying the names John Wilson and Cass everyday and calling them the twin towers on the basketball court, watching them grow tall like their mommy and daddy, watching them play with their big sister, watching them do so many things we had already dreamed about.

But God.

Peace like a river and mercy everlasting....

I am at peace. There are no whys?

How could there be?

He is too good. His promises and redemption too full.

None of us, no not one will live this life without suffering.

No need to be fearful. Its just the truth.

The ONLY thing you need to know when the pain and suffering and comes is....

Jesus is EVERYTHING He says He is and so much more.

Comforter

Peace

Healer

Redeemer

Provider

Savior

I could go on and on......He is EVERYTHING.....

Life without Him. Not worth it.

I am speaking from a deep place. A place I have actually begged God for for many many years. I never imagined a loss of this magnitude would bring me here. As much as I wanted my sweet boys. I know. I just know. His plans and His ways Higher.

There is one very special word that a very very special girlfriend gave me during this time.

She wrote me and reminded me of the woman in Luke 7 who laid at Jesus feet and cried all over His feet, wiped His feet with her hair, poured perfume on Him. The Pharassies questioned Him. But, Jesus...He saw...He saw her heart. She had given Him everything.

Jonathan and I have given Him everything. Not JUST our sweet boys. But EVERY part of our life. You don't weather pain like this without seeing that you are utterly lost without Him. That if you don't have Him you will die.

Its a new day. A day I welcome.

Tears of worship to a Savior who gave me 20 gorgeous weeks and 4 days that I would NEVER take back. Two beautiful little baby boys that I held and loved and will keep loving.

Five days before I delivered my angels I heard that Kari Jobe was in my town.....I love her. She is a incredibly annointed worship leader. I knew I was supposed to be there. I was tired. My body was struggling. I have been on partial bedrest. I saved up my energy. I went alone and God provided so much that night. I know all her music my memory. I love all her songs. But, there is one song that struck me to the core in a way it never had before. I was a crying mess, I mean the embarrassing kind but I really did't care God had just given me His word through song and I KNEW IT WAS FOR ME.......so I recieved it......

The lyrics go like this.....

So faithful

So constant

So loving and so true

So powerful in all you do

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

You love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me

I know that you are for me

I know that you will never

Forsake me in my weakness

And I know that you have come down

Even if to ride upon my heart

To remind me who you are

So patient

So gracious

So merciful and true

So wonderful in all you do

You fill me

You see me

You know my every move

And you love for me to sing to you

I know that you are for me.......

This were also the words I heard on my pandora ihone when the nurse handed me two beautiful baby boys.........

I know that you are for me Jesus.

Thank you for being for me.

To you be all glory, honor and power.......

You are alone are GREATLY to be praised.

To all my sweet readers and friends....Just so you are reminded.....

HE IS FOR YOU TOO

But, as for me I will ALWAYS have HOPE; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.

Psalm 71:16-16

Faith....Faith Unknown..........

I sit here in my bed wishing that I had been a better blogger. Wishing I had the discipline to write a post the day I found out we were EXPECTING TWINS in mid July. Whoa...yeah that is sorta blog worthy!!! Its just been all so much goodness and fear wrapped in one gorgeous package. A package I am not sure what to do with. A package that simply excites me and terrifies me all in one breathe. Oh but His Gifts....such good and perfect gifts for those who love Him. Yes, He loves me. He loves me BIG, He Loves me strong, He loves me unconditionally. I do not even deserve it. How do we ever get to a place where we forget He is a miraculous? Forget He is Mighty to Save? Forget He is totally holding not only our little world, but the WHOLE BIG WORLD in the palm of His hand? I will not lie. I have sorta of forgotten. Until recently when He began a another new work in me, a work that is so gently yet so very real. You see I don't know where you are these days with your faith journey, but I'm on a biggie. One that will go down in my personal history book. I told a friend on the phone last night.....faith, faith unknown...it scares me. I'm just being honest. How will I carry two precious lives in my womb? Identical twin boys. Still stops me in mid sentence. How GREAT is our God. How will I be able to believe for a healthy pregnancy?...you know two brains forming at once, two of everything forming. Once they get here how will I manage FOUR children under the age of five? How will I do it? Oh But the Grace of God. How will I be able to give them the life I want for them? How will God full fill my dreams of being hands and feet all over the earth for His glory with four kids? Will I actually ever have the courage or the faith to leave them even for a weekend trip away with my husband, much less Cambodia? I don't have answers to any of these questions. But what I do know is that His promises are YES in Him and AMEN in Him. That He has hemmed me and my babies in before and behind. That HE is knitting them together in my womb. That His plans for are to prosper me and not to harm me. That I have relied on Him since birth as do my unborn babies. (Psalm 71:5) I am starting to see that I won't be able to care for 4 babies on my own. But, I know His strength is made perfect when I am weak. I do know that I can do ALL thing through Christ who gives me strength. That He will PERFECT those things that concern me.

Faith....Faith unknown..that I am praying with ALL my heart I WILL know just to jump on another journey of more of the unknown.

My God is so great, so strong and so mighty there is nothing my God can not do........

Its with these words I leave you tonight. With these words I covet your prayers. I will pray for you too. But, for now its bed time for me and these growing boys. What a calling they will have. What a life they will live. How blessed are they that hey currently live in the PRESENCE of God. He already knows them. He calls them by names and loves them with a relentless love. I love that about my God. Relentless love........

Big Boys Cry when they bump their heads....but we made it a play date....

This little love took a big fall yesterday while we were at a wedding. We thought it was nothing at first. But, later that night he started having symptoms of concussion. So, little man and I headed off to the ER while our big daddy stayed at home with sissy! I was scared, not thrilled at all about going alone and more than anything just scared for my sweet baby boy. PRAISE the LORD...it ended up not being as serious as we thought THANK GOD. But, during the 5 hours that I lay in the ER bed with this guy we had a ball.....which was the first clue maybe, just maybe I had jumped the gun. But, when it comes to your babies you would rather be safe than sorry. we played with trucks, we made animal sounds and we cuddled. It was a strange and expensive place to do all that but I tried to just really be thankful for that He was ok and began to pray for the mothers and daddy's who live on a hospital room with a child they see in true pain or danger. Its hard to even let your mind go there. But, its a reality. May the Lord grant them the peace and strength to be strong.

Eater Sweetness..

I have added a few new Easter sweetness to my seasonal decor addiction.......Lord, help me!!!

It's been said that I have weakness for a party, for a holiday, for the seasonal decor section at Homegoods. I JUST CANT help myself....when you see a wooden bunny holding a basket, you just CANT say no!!! UGGG I always promised I would not be my mom when it came to this stuff. My dad used to say that stuff would start "appearing" all over the house every holiday season. "Stuff he had never seen before" Well, folks the glittery apple does not fall from the golden mama tree. This season has been the worse I'll spare you all the details but I have so much Easter sweetness swirling around in my head I can't stand it!

A girl just can't resist pink fluff and bunnies, jelly beans and peeps!

My dear blog friend and real life friend from www.pearlsandgrace.blogspot.com once said to me, "I should be living a life where I wear a pink fluffy tutu all day long!"

so here's to a little Easter Sweetness....this is just a peak there is much much more to come!